Lateness and the Mommy

It is common knowledge that mothers of young children are, for the most part, never on time for anything. I have found this myth to be true, so now it's a fact.

And here I am, someone who always strived to be punctual: running late for appointments, gatherings, events, and whatnot. I still hold, white-knuckled, on to a shred of dignity: I am not *always* late, but I am late often enough.

In the beginning it was because (fully conforming to the trite and posh characterization of a new mom) I was "distracted" and "inexperienced" at outings... "Will she need this or that? Where is this or that? Did you see this or that? I can't find this or that!"; "Wait, we have to go back! I forgot this or that!" I like to also blame my atypical, grotesque disorganization on lack of sleep (thank goodness for lack of sleep: counting sheep has proven to be a prime scapegoat.)

But now, I am running out of excuses: it's almost been a year since little Abigail graced my life, and I am oh so organized now - the "this or that" of this world no longer hold me back. I am always prepared. I have learned how to plan ahead, even as mom to a baby.

Except...

For all of you who do not believe me, finally caught on camera, premiering now: *this* really is the reason why I am often late!

(... Please note that, by the time I got the camera, she had been doing that for a few minutes already...)

Seeing forever in those eyes

Just one of the most endearing things for a father: when he's holding his daughter and she pauses to look into his eyes. For a brief moment she is a year old, 5 years old, 10... 20... 30... you see her looking at you as you know she will the rest of her life... the way she studies your eyes and acknowledges something about you only she is aware of.

Then suddenly she'll do something cute - make a coo or giggle, and it snaps you back to reality. Each of those moments are precious gold.

Making connections

The other day I had Abbie on my lap while looking at some pictures on my laptop. One was of the three of us at the Gaylord Texan Hotel. Abbie, looking intently at the picture, leaned forward and pointed to me in the photo. Then in her sweet little voice, she called, "Da da da da da."

Thinking she may have made some kind of connection, I asked her, "Abbie, where's mommy?" She then pointed to Carol in the photo and said, "Mum mum mum mum"... That was wonderful.

I then asked her where daddy is, and she again pointed to me in the photo. It was wonderful to think she'd made the visual connection for us!

Bye Bye, Texas!

Saying goodbye to Texas (Wednesday) was bittersweet for us. We had a great last day there, swimming, playing, sightseeing, and doing some shopping. I was, in a way, ready to come home, but in others it was such a good time, I did not want it to end.

Abbie had a great week in Texas. She enjoyed the food, a lot. She had a good time playing, meeting people, swimming, and I think she will be happy to know, in a few years, everything she did, and how much she seemed to like it.

At the pool, a funny guy came over to us and told her: "ok, it's official: you are the cutest girl in the pool!" She laughed, cooed, and waved hello. Most people we met there were extremely friendly and nice. What a refreshing experience!

The plane ride was totally fine, with Abigail playing and enjoying herself for the vast majority of it. She did fall asleep, but the booming voice of the captain abruptly cut her nap short. She just went back to playing without a problem.

Abbie was visibly and audibly excited to be back home, however: she went to check all her books and toys, to ensure that they were all there, and no one else messed around with them while she was gone. She also checked her flowers outside, and was pleased to see that they are still alive and blooming! What a cookie!

Here are some pics of her last day: playing in the bedroom with mommy's watch, and swimming in the pool with Iadada. I cannot wait for another vacation as fun as this one!

We've howdied but we ain't shook yet

Itty Bitty Abbie had another full and fun day in Texas. In the morning we did the usual playing in the bedroom and sightseeing. When we got back to the room, she fell asleep like a log while I was reading her one of her books. After her nap, Christopher and I took her, again, to the Riverwalk Cafe' to get some of that meat that she loved so much on Sunday. She ate with gusto everything on her plate. She struck a conversation with our lovely waitress, who told us that she has a five year old girl and a 20-month old baby boy. They just loved each other, for some reason, so our waitress came up to our table a couple of times just to play with Abigail.

In the late afternoon, I took her to the outside pool. It was so nice! The water, as one can expect in a 103 degree weather, was warm and felt great after a few minutes in the sun. Abbie made several new acquaintances there. It always astounds me how quickly she draws people's attention. It's probable that most babies do, actually, but I have never had any reason to pay attention before now.

Garrett was her first victim: a ten year old with the bluest, most beautiful eyes I ever saw. Actually, I think Garrett is the most beautiful ten year old I ever saw, period; friendly and very polite. He has the deepest blue eyes, and a ton of dark, full, long eye lashes to seal the deal. Anyway, he and Abbie played in the water, and Garrett told me that she reminded him of a little puppy his grandparents have because of how she flails her arms when she is excited. The puppy puts on a similar act when he wants something. He kept on coming back to play with Abigail, and they made each other laugh.

While in the water, Abbie waved and greeted everyone nearby and chatted with anyone who gave her half a chance. And once I wore her out (or so I thought) after an hour of swimming, we lounged in the sun for a few minutes. Apparently, her excitement was superior to her fatigue, because she went crawling around to greet people. She charmed some ladies sitting behind us, and *crawled up* the chaise to greet them. They laughed quite a bit. She then found a way to get off the chaise and went to chat with Alison, who was waving at her from the pool. I took a picture of them. The whole time, Abigail did not give me a minute's rest... I was so tired of picking her up, putting her down, following her, keeping her from falling off the chaise, grabbing her, that I finally said "enough," and while people waved "Goodbye" at us, I trudged back inside the hotel.

It's true when they say that appearances can be deceiving: she was more tired than I gave her credit for - while I was rocking her and burping her after her last feed, she just pulled herself up, looked at me in the eye, and then pointed at her crib. I thought to myself: "Ha! there is no way that she is going to go down without a fight..." But I gave it a shot. I lowered into the crib, Abbie rolled on to her side, clutched her soft lovey, and went to sleep.

In the heat of Texas...

Today was a fun day: in the morning, Abbie and I lounged in the room while we waited for Christopher to be done with his quick meeting. She had fun checking everything out, getting into things, and making sure that That Baby in The Mirror made it to Texas, too. She then had a blast walking by herself while pushing her stroller around and laughing, which was a funny sight. Show off! :)

When her daddy returned, we went down to the gardens, and took a few pictures. Abbie was particularly taken by Hank, the steer, and looked at it with a lot of curiosity. We stopped at the Riverwalk Cafe' for a drink at the bar, and she clapped and danced energetically to live music, which raised a lot of laughs and a final applause by a wedding party sitting at a table nearby... I thought it was so sweet on their part!

In the afternoon we took the trolley to downtown Grapevine, only a few minutes ride. I guess we miscalculated how hot 105 degrees really is, because as soon as we stepped onto the street we pretty much evaporated instantly. It was a short walk around town, less than an hour, singularized by the many "visits" to local, air conditioned shops. A somewhat cute, very Texan town. Abigail made several friends this time too: she chatted and "petted" (in her own clumsy way) two nice ladies that were awaiting the trolley, and then proceeded to be-friend a sweet older lady on the trolley. She talked to everyone, literally: she just looked at everyone right in the eye and turned the chatterbox on. It's so funny to see her interact with people, because I think that she honestly wants to convey some message, and when people respond back, it makes her totally happy. She is very communicative and friendly almost immediately upon meeting someone, although I have noticed that, at times, it takes her a few minutes of scrutiny before opening up and approaching people. I guess she takes after me on that.

After we got back to the Gaylord, she went for a swim in the indoor pool with her dad. She found out how cool her chirpings and squeals sound in stereo, and so she gave us a little show, but she was too tired to do it for long. We'll have to let her pick it up tomorrow!

Yippee-kay-ay!

Here we are, in big ole Texas for our five day vacation!

Our trip was rushed from the get-go, seeing as out Little Birdie decided to sleep until 8:30 this morning (we had planned to leave for the airport at 8:45...). Unheard of. But, frankly, that's the only set-back we had. Abigail was such a good girl all the way! She played on our laps and though we tried to keep her busy (or maybe *because* we tried to keep her busy), she was excited and smily and giggly, chatted incessantly and, of course, let herself be heard - at times. It was not as bad as I thought it might be, and people responded with smiles to Her Loudness and her occasional chirpings. She waved and said "hi" to everyone in the cabin and made a few friends. Of course, she never slept although she was visibly tired, until, you guessed it, ten minutes prior to landing. That was a short-lived nap.

Once we finally got to to the Gaylord Texan, I took her all over the place: we saw the "Alamo" and the Riverwalk, all the stores, the indoor and outdoor pools, and several other attractions quite unique to the place. The hotel is very big, and pretty. There is huge indoor garden, with trees, flowers, little rivers, music and of course lots of places to sit and enjoy the view. I love it, because it's like being outside in the open without the heat of a Texan summer. A plus!!! There was also a little Monkey, Miki: a cute show for kids. Abigail looked at the monkey make noise and move about for a little bit, then looked at me as if saying: "So what's the big deal? I can do all that!"

Abbie and I stopped at the Riverwalk Cafe, and I got her her first taste os Texan food, while I sipped not one, but two Mojitos! Yummm....! Abigail was totally impressed by the roast beef: she kept opening her mouth for more. Those Texans sure know how to fix their beef! She also showed off her ability to drink from a normal glass, which some people sitting near us found remarkable, for some reason.

Here are a couple of pictures of my little girl enjoying her first day in Texas, and some of the Hotel.

The many (nick)names of Abigail

It's time we talked about Abbie's nicknames. She has a lot of them, and most are based on some traits of her ever emerging personality.

She was, almost from day one, "cipi-cipi (see how it all begun)" (pronounced "cheepie-cheepie", with an italian accent!), a term of endearment that popped into my head one day. I was looking at her, and she seemed so small, so tiny, and I just randomly said, "awwww, cipi-cipi!". It stuck, not because it means anything, but because she always responded to it by paying attention and turning to face anyone who used it.

She is called "Chirping Bird", "Little Birdie", "Tweety Bird", "Squeaky Toy". This is the reason why.

Then we have "The Scream-a-nator".

After you sampled these clips the nicknames don't require further explanations, I know, but as a side note, Abigail has *always*, and I mean *always*, made those kind of sounds! While she was visiting her family in Italy, our Little Birdie loved to spend a considerable amount of time screaming at the top of her lungs, smiling broadly. Then she'd look at you with an impish look as if saying: "see what I can do?!?" She's always liked to push the envelope when it comes to her vocal abilities. When she is excited, happy, curious, looking for attention, startled, she will chirp away. Abbie has never been shy about expressing what's on her mind. That's my girl!

Another of her commonly used names is "Peanut", her daddy calls her that. It started when he saw her during one of our many ultrasound sessions (awwww, Peanut was still in the tummy!). She was indeed curled up like a peanut.

Abigail also knows that she is "Little Monkey". I call her that because she is *so* curious and always getting into everything, just like an intrepid little monkey. She also tries to climb on everything that's taller than she is, and likes to be swung up and down by her arms.

"Chatter Box" is often used, too. Well, she *is* a chatterbox! She is always talking, making sounds, blabbing to herself or to anyone who'll listen... I love it. I know she will start forming real words, eventually (for now she says HI when greeting someone), but right now I am enjoying every little sound that comes out of her, it's so adorable, she sounds so cute, with her little baby voice...! I record her every chance I get. This is not the most demonstrative excerpt, but it will have to do (but, bonus!, you can finally hear her call me by my "name" - Ahta'):


Among her nicknames, "Miss Intellectual" ranks kind of high in the hit-list. She loves books. She really does. She wants you to read them to her, she goes and gets them herself, scrutinizes them, points at their pictures, words, turns the pages at the exact times they need to be turned. She is entertained by books for long periods of time, every day.

"The Kissy Monster" might even be number one. She loves to kiss. She will slobber your cheeks, arms, shoulders, neck every chance she gets. I love when she kisses my cheek because, usually, she will also hug me tight. My sweet little girl... !

Right after that, comes "Silly Gosling". There are several reasons behind it. One is related to the series of books by Olivier Dunrea, which she loves. The books are about these goslings (Gossie, Ollie, Gertie, Boo Boo, Peedie) and their adventures. The second reason is because, well, Abbie is just so "silly", in the comical sense. She is so funny, with her babyish mannerisms and bubbly personality!

Also, she is known in the neighborhood as the "Little Swimmer". That's, of course, because she loves to "swim". I/we take her to the pool virtually every day, and she will not get into her baby-floater: instead she wants you to hold her by her sides while she shakes her little legs and arms around. She also loves to simply splash in the water, but we don't have a special nickname for that. Yet.

Lastly, but certainly not least, is "Gadget Freak". I think my very first post on this blog was about her unwavering passion for anything "gadgety": remotes, phones, cellphones, cameras, laptops... She has always been that way. When she was about two months old, it was practically impossible for me to take pictures of her unawares. If she was doing something cute I wanted to immortalize, she would stop as soon as I got out the camera, and reach for it. She still does. Now she will strike a pose, too!

But, of all her many names, my very favorites are "My Baby Girl", or "My Little Sunshine". That says it all.

The StairMaster

For the past few weeks, Abigail has taken to love going up the stairs. Yes, before you jump to conclusions: we do have a gate -still pristine in it's brand new box, looking great on the living room couch where it has been resting comfortably for the last two weeks (hint hint to "those" in the know...........).

Anyway, she just loves to test her ability to move upward. So, when we play in the living room, Abbie will look in the general direction of the stairs, crawl like a fury towards them, and start climbing them. I have given up trying to stop Abigail - there is no way to deter her without her giving me *that* look as if saying: "But why not? They are here, aren't they? They look like fun!! You are making no sense!".

Since there is no successful way to reason with her about the dangers of a wobbly baby climbing stairs, I let her do her exploration and simply stand right behind her while she giggles and coos pushing herself up, lifting her leg on to the next step, then the other one, and again, and again, and again.

The first time, she only went up about 8 steps. But now it's the whole flight: from the living room to the upper level landing, several times a day. And she is *fast*! Take my word for it. Long gone are the days when, if I forgot something upstairs, I could just zip up and down before she even got near the first step. Now, I have to pick her up and take her with me.

It's a funny adventure, to her, and she will eventually turn to me and grin: "Didn't I tell you this was fun?!". Duh!

A Letter to Abigail

I wrote Abigail a letter some time ago, but I never posted it. Mostly, because it's personal, but this is meant to be a special Journal of Abbie's life, written for Abbie, about Abbie.

My recent personal loss has changed my attitude about posting this letter: I am no writer, and my ability to express myself poetically and with eloquence is virtually non-existent. But it doesn't matter. These are words of love, and as such, I offer them to my daughter. It's never too early, and never too late.


Dear Daughter of Mine:

This is not the first letter I have written you. I wrote you before you were born, during a time when it was just the two of us making your way into the world. But ever since I saw your little pretty face and held you close to my heart, I have been thinking long and hard about Life. You will have so many questions for me, I know, and I find myself unprepared to face them.

Millions of mothers have been and will be in this very same situation: hoping for the best with every breath, and doing all they can to be a guide, a rock, a safe harbor for their sons and daughters. In everything I do, Abigail, I try to be just that. I try to help you understand this big, overwhelming world a little better every day. I am with you every minute of every day, holding you, kissing you, helping you to your feet, to get to your toys, telling you how much I love you, and what an amazing surprise you are to me.

I speak to you every day. I tell you what I am doing, where we are going, what I am eating, how your toys work, what color things are, how soft your skin is, how beautiful you are. I guess, in a way, I talk so much now because it takes time to get used to sharing what goes on in one's head, and I am not the sort of person who opens up easily, I used to be, but not anymore. So I am training myself: I have started sharing with you the simplest of things - to get used to the sound of my own voice before the big truths can be said. It's like learning to walk: one foot before the other. It sounds easy, but you know it's really not. As you stumble your way to standing up on your own, as you move your first, insecure steps when I hold you by the hands, you know how hard it is to walk on your own two feet.

In a way, I feel relieved: all that can be said about life has been said, very well and with amazing compassion. Far better than I ever could attempt to. Sometimes it feels as though all one needs to do is read some books, listen to a couple of talk shows to grasp the value of many a human experiences. Ha! I wish. I am, and always have been, constantly wondering about life, and if you are anything like me, I know that you will too.

You will wonder about love. And all I can really tell you is: hold on tight to those who truly love you.
You will wonder about friendship. All I can tell you is: hold on tight to those who truly are your friends.
They are the most important of human treasures. The ones you will need the most, and the ones you will find refuge in when you will need it most.

As such, they will be, sometimes, the hardest people to find. My Abbie: I'm naive and trusting and that's gotten me in trouble and in pain more times than I care to count. I have loved people who did not truly love me. I have wasted friendship on people who did not deserve the time of day. Sometimes, my beautiful girl, people are not really interested in getting to know and understand you. And facing that disappointment is painful. But I have come to the realization that this is the circle of life: you give, you receive, and sometimes those interchanges are not equal in value and meaning. Please don't be afraid of offering what you have to give, never shy away from giving what you can. But what makes my heart soar as your mother is the realization that I need to help you to be strong: so that you can always be happy and serene, so that you will not have to face the fears, self-doubts and disappointments I've endured because of my inability to correctly judge the worth of people and circumstances. I want to teach you to use your discernment to sort out the good from the bad. You must learn that you cannot be loved by all people. But those who do love you, would give anything for you to be happy. You must learn that not everyone is a true friend: some will use you, while pretending to be a friend. Don't waste your time on less than true friendship. Let those people go, my love, because nothing good ever came from a lie, nothing worth holding on to ever came from superficiality.

And more, I want you to understand the importance of remembering, of holding onto and even cherishing what you are as events are thrust upon you during the course of your life. For all too often, with increasing strength, insecurities and confusion about your own worth will seek to obliterate you -- this is something I hope you will never let happen.

Always enjoy the implicit order found in life: there is one.

Be principled and ethical, but never self-righteous. Be proud, but never prideful. Be honest, be generous, be courageous, be brave.

Don't ever compromise your fundamental rights. Don't ever let anyone convince you that a cause cannot be won. Any cause for the improvement of this world and of humanity should be fought for, and can be won. Remember that so much is lost when we cannot summon the courage of our convictions: because it may take time and it may be painful, but nothing of value has ever been attained without struggle.

Don't be afraid to fail, and don't ever let anyone tell you that you have failed. Consider setbacks learning opportunities. Some of history's greatest advances have been achieved out of frustration and setbacks yielding to perseverance. Use every lesson in life to your advantage: learn from it.

Don't ever judge people because of their race, their culture, their gender, their orientation, personal beliefs, or even physical disabilities and flaws. Don't ever let other people's preconceived notions become your own. Rather, infer value based on actions, qualities and merits.

Remember that everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt, but not everyone deserves a second chance. You might have to make this tough call, one day. But you will need to make it. Don't ever treat anyone as if they did not matter. But don't let anyone ever treat you as if you don't matter. Walk away, chin up, from people who do not care about your worth, about the contributions that you bring.

There will be regrets, and to live without regrets only means not having lived at all, not having, ever, taken a risk on something or someone. That notwithstanding, I hope you will never have regrets based on poor judgement, or on ill behavior. Those are the regrets that you can avoid. Do. Avoid them.

These words of mine may sound like common platitudes, and they maybe they are. But I truly believe in what I am telling you. I believe that life is worth living at its fullest, with all its implied risks and chances.

No life, ever, has been without tribulation, loss, and recession. I want yours to be meaningful. I want you to give and receive true love. I want you to have friends, and loved ones, and dear ones. I want you to have no regrets for not having tried your very best.

I, too, have no regrets. For in you I see the future.

I love you,

Mom

May 31, 2008